Moving Off the X

So, I had this whole post drafted, written out, and ready to go; but looking at it over and over again and reading it just didn’t seem like it was right. The thoughts were all over the place, which is how I’ve been feeling lately anyway, so I scrapped it.

I came back to Austin a few days ago to start the process of sorting out all of mom’s clothes, shoes, and accessories. Bob took on the valiant task months ago to sort out their office, bless his heart. I remember times when you couldn’t even find mom in there, buried under all her paperwork. Now I go in and I can actually see the color of the desk! Ha, I can hear her laughing at me as I’m typing this, with a bashful smile, and telling me it wasn’t that bad. Anyway, as far as mom’s other personal items, and with Claudia’s invaluable help, I was able to get through about 87% of her things which was sorted into boxes and bags for the Philippines, family, donations, and my own safekeeping. I’ll have to come back again soon to sort through the rest, but I’m happy to have accomplished my main task which was to give Bob his closet and dresser back.

I can’t say enough how proud I am of Bob. There are things I cannot take for granted and one of those things is him always being a gracious host. I am so thankful that he brought down the Christmas tree, decorations, and lights from the attic. So very thankful that he put lights up around the house, without me even asking, even after he would say he just didn’t want to do it this year. We also decorated the tree, and he was a genuine and wonderful helper, putting the angel on top and tying in all the ribbons the same way that mom would. This weekend was another testimony that when things don’t go right, go left. For Bob, perhaps it’s just as important to keeping moving, no matter what direction, so long as you are off the ‘X’. He continues to be a very important person in my life, and as many lessons I thought my mother taught me, it’s the lessons he’s is teaching me now…in our conversations, and from what I observe…that I am valuing more and more.

My thoughts remain hopeful that even though Christmas and New Year will be the first without our beloved Joy, it will still be a happy one. I have to remember that there is so much to celebrate in this life. Things will never be perfect, the waves will never stop crashing, and we will always be tested, but even with all of that there will always be room for a smile, a hug, and a laugh. I can say now, more than ever, that I embrace the things that have made me happy…I had a great summer, I love coming to work everyday, my family and friends never fail to bring me up, and Gizmo still wags his tail when I come home. 

Mom, I love you, and you are still my only sunshine. I’ll never forget last year's Christmas. Rather hard to believe it was a just barely a year ago. We both prayed we would see another holiday season together, but you and I knew the way of the world and so we silently accepted it and still enjoyed every moment. Such a cherished memory, along with many/many others...

Stay with me.

Our last Christmas together...how I miss that smile.

Abroad

Because she loved to travel, we share a wanderlust heart...

"I cannot rest from travel: I will drink 

Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd 

Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those 

That loved me, and alone, on shore

 

For always roaming with a hungry heart 

Much have I seen and known; cities of men 

And manners, climates, councils, governments, 

Myself not least, but honour'd of them all

I am a part of all that I have met; 

Yet all experience is an arch wherethro' 

Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades 

For ever and forever when I move. 

How dull it is to pause, to make an end, 

To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use! 

As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life 

Were all too little, and of one to me 

Little remains: but every hour is saved 

From that eternal silence, something more, 

A bringer of new things; and vile it were 

For some three suns to store and hoard myself, 

And this gray spirit yearning in desire 

To follow knowledge like a sinking star, 

Beyond the utmost bound of human thought. 

...Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old; 

Old age hath yet his honour and his toil; 

Death closes all: but something ere the end, 

Some work of noble note, may yet be done

'T is not too late to seek a newer world. 

Push off, and sitting well in order smite 

The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds 

To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths 

Of all the western stars, until I die. 

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho' 

We are not now that strength which in old days 

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are; 

One equal temper of heroic hearts, 

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will 

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Excerpts from Ulysses by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Checking In

I'm fine, but I'm not really fine. Trying to think of things I know mom would want me to say, or even really feel. She would want to know that I'm finding a reason to smile everyday, and to know that I'm trying to have a good summer. To be with other family and friends, to make the best of my time here.

The truth is, I'm struggling with the memories of this year...of her last months, weeks, and days. I remember the very last time I saw her, at the funeral home before her cremation. How I stood over her, and placed my fingers on her cold hands, where less than a day before they were warm. I did not want to leave, my feet were planted. I knew the moment I turned away, I would not see and touch my mother ever again. I didn't want to leave her even though she was already gone.

Back in DC, Bob and I talk regularly on the phone. This past week not so much, mainly because I've been on a later shift at work. I notice that Bob has been using mom's Facebook account to try and reach out to family and "peruse" my page ;) Bob, I'll come and teach you how to use it when I'm back in Austin for mom's birthday...a trip where I'm having mixed (admittedly terrified) feelings. I'm glad that Ray and Stephie will be there to hold my hand, laugh, shoot squirrels on the back porch, and get out into town for all the great things the city has to offer. I'm excited to see the Along Creek Cove neighbors again, too.

I still see ghosts when I look up. I see mom taking a nap in the back seat of my car on my way home from work, coming down my stairs asking what's for dinner, at the mall trying on shoes with me, on my friend's boat when we're going fast...holding on to her hat and wearing her sunglasses, and her hand on my shoulder whenever I'm crying like I am right now.

This whole experience has been a huge lesson on the importance of time, and how not to waste it. And not even just time, but negative emotions. Don't waste it on things unimportant, and know that there is always a reason to be happy. Don't worry that you are late for work because of a traffic jam. Don't be too upset that you haven't found your follow-on job yet, and don't even sweat that guy who doesn't have his shit together. All part of the long list of things ain't nobody got time for.

Thanks again, mom. You continue to be my inspiration, and my teacher no matter how much the lessons hurt sometimes. I know it has only been a few months since you left, but my mind and heart have been missing your wisdom. It has altered a standard in my own happiness, I know that I won't be happy if I'm not learning from something, or someone....If it makes you feel any better, I am smiling now. I have plans later in the year, and I know you would be proud.

When things don't go right, go left.

Memorial Day

It's been a month and three days since mom passed away.

I understand that today is about honoring our soldiers, civilians, and families who gave the ultimate sacrifice to protect our nation and her interests abroad with the hope of building peace. I honor those serving today, too. There is no template of words that can describe the brevity of my gratitude to you, so I will simply say, "Thank you."

My thoughts today are an efflux of also remembering those near and dear to me who are no longer...my mother, my nephew Noah, Auntie Jean, my grandparents, Raina, work colleagues, and even family members of good friends who I never met.

I want to say thank you for your life. Thank you for being a part of mine. Thank you for changing it. Today, especially, I remember you.

Coming Home

Sitting at the terminal in Reagan right now. I'm looking across from me and can picture mom sitting there, telling me she's excited to eat Cuban food and sushi. I can see her doing something on her phone and I'm asking, "Whatcha looking at mom?" 

      "I just sold another dress on Poshmark!" Or, "Kate Spade is having another sale!"

      I'm telling her we'll go get some Cuban food for lunch after we land and definitely get some sushi before we have to come back. We always make time for a little shopping, too...

I miss you so much mom, come back to me.

Miami Service - Official Info

We Are Doing A-Okay

Hello all, just wanted to say many thanks again for the kind words, cards, flowers, and tributes you all have given to us for Joy. We just wanted to check in and let everyone know we are doing okay! We miss mom terribly, but we know she is with us and smiling her beautiful smile. 

As an FYI, service information has been updated for Miami in the original post and we have gotten requests for charity information to give donations to in mom's name. She was a patron of many, but we will get a short list together...coming soon :)

Thank you all again for everything! You are wonderful!

Service Information for Joy

Family and Friends,

The family and Catholic Church will be hosting two services and receptions, per mom's wishes, so that all those near and far will have the opportunity to come and pay their respects to our beloved Joy.

Details for first service:
Date: Monday, April 27, 2015
Time: Mass 10:00am, Reception ~11:00am
Place: St. Vincent de Paul Catholic Church; the mass will be at the Chapel
Reception to follow with lunch, refreshments, and hugs.

Details for second service:
Date: Friday, May 15, 2015 (subject to change based on church availability, stay tuned)
Time: Mass 5:30pm, Reception ~7:00pm
Place: Good Shepherd Catholic Church
Reception to follow with food, refreshments, a Nightingale Nurses Tribute, and more hugs.

Condolences can be sent to Mom and Bob's home at:
16409 Along Creek Cove
Austin, TX 78717

You may also send flowers directly to St. Vincent de Paul to support Joy's first service. The church specified that delivery instructions should say:
April 27 Delivery between 8:00am - 9:00am

Will be finalizing the details for the second service in Miami later next week and will update the blog.

Yesterday, when mom passed, also happened to be Earth Day. In honor of that, leaving this little gem here for you to smile at...

Home

On April 22, 2015, mom passed away at 11pm surrounded by her sister Nenette, her husband Bob, and me, her daughter Katie. We watched her take her final breath as she made her way home and found the peace she very much deserved. We miss you already, mom, your smile, your wisdom, humor, positivity and genuine zest for life and all the good things it has to offer...we know you are in His hands.

Details on service arrangements to shortly follow. We thank everyone for their patience, love, and support that they have given to mom, Bob, and our family during this time. We know first-hand that mom appreciated everything you all have done for her.

Sharing a Smile

Mom has been resting soundly since yesterday afternoon when things calmed down, so I wanted to share this candid photo of her in Europe doing a combination of her favorite things: traveling, sitting al fresco, and ordering food! You are adorable, mom.

The Heart of Joy

It has become crystal-clear-smack-you-in-the-face-and-stomp-on-your-toes-so-that-you-remember-it apparant that mom's heart is one of the strongest I have ever seen, as she continues to go on these last five days without food and very little to drink (< 4 mL/day). Yesterday, she had some energy, which we alll mistook for restlessness, and all she wanted to do was use the restroom! It was almost an all-day ordeal to figure that out since mom can barely speak, and I'd rather spare you the details (for all our sakes)....but I just couldn't believe it. Two days ago, the nurse couldn't even get a blood pressure reading, signifying a very weak pulse and indication that her blood was focused more on her chest and lungs...and the next day, mom decides she wants to try and pull herself out of bed, for what reason, we didn't figure out until six hours later. She is certainly a proud woman and it leaves us (and the nurses) astounded. Today she pulled the same trick again, and we were prepared this time, but again we are seriously like, "How is she doing this?"

Today, I was able to sit next to mom along the edge of her bed, halfway through a transition. This is a position where I get to hold her and be close to her. As one of my hands were wrapped around her now very small side, I can feel her heart pulsing throughout her whole body. I think on it now, and it makes sense. If you've ever taken a walk with mom, recreationally or leisurely, she only has one speed: hers. She also always had a stamina for exercise and work where others would crash from exhaustion, and she would make it look so easy! 

I can tell you that some things with mom are painfully changing as her journey home continues, but it's her heart and what is left of her conscious mind that is keeping her here. Mom, you are free to come and go as you please, and I pray you find the peace of mind to do so. As I have told you every night for the past week and a half before I'm falling asleep beside you: I love you; Don't worry about Bob, I promise to ensure we take care of him the same way I have taken care of you; You did everything right by all of us; You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away; wherever you go I will always be with you, and you always with me.

Quick Check In

Family and friends, will post a larger update tomorrow as today was, unexpectedly, a long day with mom. She is resting after all the "activity", but rest assured she is comfortable and fast asleep. She has a strong heart, and right now there is a force or reason why it hasn't stopped beating. We are not complaining :) Just a little worn out!

Waiting

Mom is still here. Still slowly moving around in bed from time to time, and doing her best to stay...I think she is waiting for her sister, Nenette, to arrive. Bob and I are still cherishing every hand squeeze and slight head nod because we know that mom is still herself through all this. I don't know how she does it.

Mom has not consumed anything, but her meds, for the last three days. My "Auntie" Nitz arrives at 7:30p tonight. I believe in my heart mom will still be here for that reunion.

World's Best Nurse

After getting the bed, we've spent the last few days getting a routine down where we can shift and move mom, as needed. I swear some moments she probably wants to curse us out because we are not doing things right or at times making her uncomfortable (takes at least two of us to position her correctly in bed). The usual end state is her being surrounded with soft pillows and rolled towels to support her neck, back, and feet...and of course, mom sound asleep.

There was an emotional breaking point I had personally set for myself which happened yesterday. When mom and Bob were told that chemo therapy could no longer be administered, the nurse practitioner said that over time, mom will become confused and then fall asleep and not wake up (lovely, right?). For a long time, mom and I kind of wondered about this "confusion". Is it just disorientation? Memory loss? Well, yesterday we got a rather large taste of it when mom woke up, lucid, saying she wanted to sit up (which she tried to do on her own) tried to look around, and asked in a soft but worried voice, "When are we going home?" Well, right there I pretty much lost it because she sounded scared and weak, and of course she certainly was home, in her beautiful bedrooom, but the anxiety kicked in and it was difficult to deal with. Granted, mom is on medication for the pain, and I do not doubt this is affectng her state of mind, but it still stings. Mom has been the kind of person who has always had her wits about her, always on point with everything she says. At one point last night while I was supporting her as she tried to stand and even walk, I told her she was safe and at home, and I asked her if she could give me a hug. We stood for a moment as she gently squeezed her tiny arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder. Best feeling. Ever. After we sat her down, I sang to her and we talked to her about past trips and memories and it seemed to calm her down enough for her to have a good night's sleep.

Everything seems to be moving in slow motion, and at the same time going by so fast. It is now Wednesday, exactly one week since mom's condition took a turn. We get a visit from our hospice nurse every day, which today's visit yielded a declining blood pressure reading as well as a weakened pulse and heart rate. Her apnea is also more pronounced, and today she hasn't really taken much in her system except for her meds and a small glass of water. It is difficult to turn away good friends who want to come and visit. To those who are reading this now, please know it does not mean your love and support to my mom and our family are not valued, we are doing our best to respect her wishes during this chapter. She has known and loved all of you in her wonderful way, and would like to be remembered in that same wonderful way you know her. The love and well-wishes you send are not unheard, they are helping to hold us up.

I know there is some irony and cheesiness in this, but I'm really trying to be a good nurse for mom, and so is Bob. She has always been so tender and caring to us, her friends, and her patients. I'm pretty sure I might be able to find an old pair of scrubs lying aound and make it offiicial. I remember when mom and I went to the Philippines to take care of grandma before she passed away. Similar siituation, home/hospice and family care...mom taught me a lot in those weeks until grandma passed away like how to care for someone who couldn't care for themselves, and how to be gentle and yet show strength for our loved ones, and with grace. You are a wonderful teacher, mom...and I'm still learning from you everyday!

It's a Bed!!

Today was a little rough because mom seemed to be having some lower back pain, even with medication, which made it difficult for her to rest. It's so difficult to watch mom wince and try to understand her slow hand signals because you know she is hurting somewhere and you want to do anything you can to make it go away. The hospice was able to provide us with an automatic bed and air mattress today which provides all the support she needs (with the help of a memory foam pad and soft, comfy pillows from her bed). As soon as we got mom in there, I could see the relief on her face and it almost made me want to cry from my own relief. Bob has, of course, been by her side this whole time and shared the same feelings we had. Relief all around.

As today is Sunday and mom is not able to attend Catholic mass now, I read her today's readings and we prayed. After we set up her new bed, I placed some of her things in front of her bed, should she open her eyes and it be the first thing she sees...the flowers are right from her backyard garden. Thanks be to God.

Commandeer

Along with mom's cellphone, I've also commandeered her iPad and most electronic communications with it. This is actually a very strange and unexpected part of "the process" because I don't want to be violating my mother's privacy (which I'm taking very careful steps not to do) but ensuring that I'm responding to as many people who reach out to her as I can via text, email, Facebook, you name it. Again, I apologize if I don't answer everyone...there are several times during our days here where Bob and I don't have any free hands. This is where we find the blog to be the most useful to keep family and friends updated :)

So, not to get too sidetracked, but as I was looking through pictures on mom's iPad, I found some of these images that for some people might be considered sort of social media spam. I wanted to share them because they were recent "saves" in her album which I assume means that she found her own meaning in them and helped her stay positive. I want to share it here because 1) they do give you a warm and fuzzy feeling, and 2) there is no reason to wait for someone to tell you you only have X months to live for you to start living your life as you always dreamed of (seriously people, don't wait).

For all those who wonder, mom is slowly making her way home. We are making sure she is very comfortable and every so often she will wake up, but the alertness level is declining. She speaks infrequently and at a whisper. We are keeping visits to a minimum, but when folks send their love we certainly tell her. Today we listened to The Sound of Music soundtrack and she was able to sit outside for a little and look out at the pool and garden that is now in full bloom with her roses. 

Back

Hello All,

I'm so sorry I haven't posted any updates or pictures in a while. There was a turning point I knew someday would be reached, and after talking to Mo, mom's hospice nurse, it appears that time has come.

Mom is home, comfortable, and very much enjoying her recliner. She is getting a little help from good ole O2 to help her breath and once in a while she will wake up to have some soup or ask Bob if he's done his errands for the day (he shakes his head like, "Seriously, Sweetie?!"

I'm kind of commandeering her cell phone for the moment because I'm afraid she's too weak to use it. I promise to do my best to respond to the incoming messages.

Stay tuned for more, just wanted to check in for the moment. It is spring here in Austin, and here is a picture of mom, a few springs ago...always so spunky!

Grand Canyon and Hoover Dam...another Check Off the Bucket List

Hey everyone! So Mom and Bob made it to the Grand Canyon last weekend! Woo! This was something that has been on mom's bucket list for a long time. On Friday, we met in Las Vegas, checked into the MGM Grand and the next morning drove the 2.5 hours to the West Rim to see a part of this natural wonder, and then the following day to the Hoover Dam and even had time to catch Cirque's LOVE show!

Karen, Mom, Bob, and Ray in front of Lake Meade on our way to the GC!

We made it! See all that dirt in the background? Yep, did a few fishtails there with the rental SUV...mmm hmm!

Near the Skywalk there is Eagle Point! You'll see why they call it this...keep scrolling!

The famous West Rim Skywalk

See the eagle shape to the right of mom? Yes, her shirt does, in fact, say "I like naps".

Here is the eagle again! But this time to my left...

Beautiful...so is the GC and Colorado River back there

Bob...don't...move...left..........

Mom's really liking her wheels

Hoover Dam - One side of it

And Mom taking a photo of the other side

Another fabulous memory with mom!

Vegas Recap (Coming Soon!)

Hey everyone, sorry it's been a while since we've written an update here! Was down for the count for a bit after all the travelling this past weekend. Going to be working on a longer post to recap our trip to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon shortly, but for now wanted to leave a few "teaser" photos from our trip...enjoy!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Mom and Bob are being festive today! Will Bob be doing some Bailey's today? Hmm...

Distance, but the countdown begins...

I flew back to DC last Thursday to come back to work, my dog, the house, and friends. I'm glad to see the snow is melting away, but it's hard being away from mom. Talking and FaceTime on the regular is happening, and we are excited because our countdown to Vegas and going to see the Grand Canyon has begun! We are hoping that all will go well in the next few days, so that her dream can be realized this coming weekend. Mom has traveled all over the world, but this is a wonder she has not yet seen.

And, I know we all love pictures, so I'm leaving these here from her visit with another Filipino-Texan friend, Belle, last Saturday!

Whole Food Lunch!

Mom and Bob are enjoying the (finally here) sunny Austin weather and eating out at Whole Foods! Yummy :)

For Bob

Last night, I watched a movie on my iPad before falling asleep that, near the end, stated something so simple and beautiful: There are those of us, when we die, who wish to be loved and remembered by many; and then there are some of us who only want to be remembered and loved, but deeply, by one.

Bob met mom in Miami in 1994, two years after the wake of Hurricane Andrew. I was 12 years old and didn't make it easy on mom's dating life back then. Through all of my ridiculous pranks (one time I poured sugar in his salt shaker), Bob just kind of took everything with a smile and continued to court my mother. Yep, folks, that word still applies in today's world: court. There are many details, ins and outs, ups and downs over 13 years of a mostly long-distance relationship, but I will tell you how the story (in the interim) happily ends. On a sunny day, June 6, 2009 to be exact, Bob and Joy were married before a handful of immediate friends and family and a judge on the back porch of their new home in Austin. We had music, some select catered entrees, fresh flowers, white and red wine sangrias, and of course a delicious boutique cake. They even did their first dance as husband and wife near the foyer by the dining room, where all 10 of us who were there were swaying back and forth, smiling, and happy that these two had at last exchanged vows. Right before the wedding they went on a pre-moon, taking a cruise around Alaska and even doing a helicopter excursion onto a glacier and dog sledding! I wanted to highlight this part in their story because it's a snapshot into the couple that they are and have been: romantic and adventurous.

Admittedly Bob and I have not always seen eye to eye on things, but I believe that is simply attributed to our backgrounds, how we were raised, and the environment we grew up in. Plus, the never ending SEC rivalry between his Alabama Roll Tide (whatever) and my Florida Gators. The truth is that Bob certainly had a hand in raising me, and teaching me things with a different perspective from my mother, my father, and my stepmother...all who I love very, very much. Many of these lessons I learned simply from watching him interact with mom, the things he would say to her and the manner that he would say them, and of course, the things he would do for her. These are some of the things Bob has taught me:

• Chivalry is not dead. 
• Kindness and generosity are not signs of weakness.
• Traditions in relationships, such as roses every Valentine's Day and on your birthday, doesn't mean you are not creative or spontaneous, it means you have an anchor.
• Actions speak louder than words (for better or for worse).
• Surprising your sweetie with a limo to take you and your friends to your birthday dinner downtown will never be lame, even when you are turning 58.
• Never act or react out of emotion (mom taught me this, too).
• It's really ok to forgive yourself after making a series of dumb mistakes before you start making good choices.
• The sacrifices are worth it.

After 21 years, since mom and Bob first met, I am very lucky and proud to have Bob as a part of our family, and for me to be a part of his. I will be forever grateful that he has been at mom's side for every doctor's appointment, every procedure, every treatment, driving back and forth from Houston every other week, all the time, all the expenses, and not once complain to my mother, not once mention how any of this has been an inconvenience to him. 

As a witness, I can attest that Bob loves Joy in the same way you watch a romantic movie and think those stories are only in the movies because they are not real. It exists. It's existing at this very moment. I don't believe it has to be one way or the other, you may be loved by many just as you are loved deeply by one...that is undoubtedly mom. On June 9, mom and Bob plan to renew their vows the same way they first took them, on the back porch with a handful of their loved ones. Perhaps there will be a *few* extra guests this time. Technically, they've been married half a decade now, so it's a good time to check-in and make sure the rules still apply! :-)

Bob and Joy's story is not over. 

 

Cove Love

Mom and Bob have such wonderful neighbors! Many thanks for sending us some "sunshine" in the form of a gift basket with tea, books, lotion, soap, candle, magazines, and our very own sun signed by the Cove families! We love you!

The League

Mom has classmates from the Philippines, now living in the USA, from 4th & 6th grade, and even high school visiting this weekend! After mass this morning, we all went to our neighborhood brunch joint at The League, along with Father Ranjan, to enjoy omelets, bacon-wrapped shrimp and grits, and my favorite: Truffle Honey Chicken and Biscuit!

Lola Joy

Ava has come to visit her "Lola Joy" from sunny Florida! So wonderful to have her and more wonderful family visiting this weekend to see mom. The sun has been out for two days in a row now, too! We hope it is here to stay.

Austin Dog Rescue

A few days ago, I reached out to Austin Dog Rescue (ADR) to see if they could bring some of their very cute furry friends to help put a smile on mom's face amidst all the gloomy weather we've had these last five days (yes, it's been five freaking days since we've seen the sun). I got a response almost immediately saying that they would be willing to help and put me in touch with one of their volunteers, Erin, who was fostering two very adorable 4 month-old puppies: Ludo and Falcor...had to be fate because I grew up watching Labyrinth and The NeverEnding Story!

Today, the sun finally came out and we had a great visit! We also took the opportunity to make it an impromptu visit time for our neighbors and some friends. This was the most happy and energetic I have seen mom in a while, and it was a very uplifting day. We are so thankful to ADR and Erin for accommodating our request for cuteness and smiles. Puppies are pure happiness and they loved being on mom's lap!

We also continue to thank our wonderful family and friends for their support, soups, sweet things, and love. Mucho, mucho thank you!



Scrapbook for Grandma Joy!

Jennifer and Annabelly made a scrapbook of family photos for mom...over a hundred pictures! So very sweet! Brought a lot of needed smiles and giggles.

The Joy-Luck iPad Club

These last few days we've had family come to visit, and it's been nice to have the house filled with smiles, stories of the "outside world", and laughter. Just thought I'd put up these two photos from yesterday evening that summarized the night. 

While making dinner, mom was resting on the couch with her granddaughter, Annabelle. I could hear them, barely, as I was leaning over the kitchen sink, and they were facing one another, rocking side-to-side smiling and gently singing "You are My Sunshine". I looked at my [step]sister (Annabelle's mother), Jennifer, and well, we had some tears we didn't do a great job of holding back because it was such a pure, beautiful, and humble moment. I have countless memories of mom singing this to me growing up (admittedly she still does!), and personally, this is a memory that made me extremely happy that Annabelle would also have...sitting on the couch, by the fire, and with her Grandma Joy.

After dinner (Facebook friends might be able to get a glimpse of the silliness that ensued while we were making it), we just kind of winded down with our electronics. I snagged this picture and joked that we looked like some version of the Joy Luck Club, or to be more correct, the Joy Luck iPad Club. No real candies were crushed during the taking of this photo.

Eating out Downtown

We have family in town and getting out of the house despite the 36 degree weather!

Because the Days are Getting Hard(er)

I wish I could post things to this blog, multiple times a day, every few hours or so with flowers and sunshine and rainbows and candy, but the truth of the matter is that some days (well most days, actually) are very hard. As mom likes to eloquently say it, "This sucks, this sucks, this sucks!" 

Perspective is a thing that can either become very colorful during this part of someone's journey, or so grey and bleak that you start to think that you really don't give a shit about anything else going on around you because you have developed this tunnel vision focusing on the pain and wondering when it will all be over. Maybe perspective is meant to be mixed with color and grey, just like you can't have any light without dark.

Observing this transition, physically, is something I cannot in simple words describe. For Joy, aka mom, this has been a great adjustment. She once led a *very* active lifestyle, always the first one up in the house making breakfast, going to work, coming home and exercising, traveling, shopping, etc. Even while she was on chemo she was pretty active and it kept her going. Most of my life has been spent trying to keep up with her, to match her stamina and energy in all that she does and all that she pushes me to do...

As I said before, the days are hard and are getting harder. I know she is not only feeling pain, but also feeling frustrated wanting the nightmare in her abdomen and back to go away, and how she misses eating more than a few bites of solid food. It's almost like a psychological deadlock and she wants to feel herself again. How do you move forward and onward feeling this way? Well, in previous posts I have stated how thankful we are for the support she is receiving from family, friends, and even strangers. We cannot get by without you. Your well-wishes, visits, flowers, cards, love, laughter, and soups have been invaluable and it yanks us from our tunnel vision. It's a reminder that light doesn't just appear at the end of the tunnel, it's everywhere. 

Even Winnie the Pooh has bad days, but after the right formula of support things can get better, or easier, or both.

Respect for the Morning Routine

Although this photo was taken about a week ago, just wanted everyone to have awareness of my respect for mom's usual breakfast "enhancements" these days (outcome of our visit with the holistic doctor)...needless to say, she was only slightly amused by the ritualistic handoff I was trying to portray. So proud of her for being tough and powering through!

Tokie (TOE-Key)

We have been laying low these last few days so that mom can rest, so decided to put up a recent picture of mom and I here at the Miami Seaquarium feeding Lolita the Killer Whale...ok, so maybe it's 28-years old recent, but you get the point. When we met Lolita, we were told that, to the trainers, she is really known as Tokie. This is one of my most treasured memories with my mom and dad. The album where this picture is originally from is something that always brings a smile to my face when I am looking through it...as with countless other memories I have growing up, and our adventures together.



Walkin'

Enjoyed the lovely weather today!

Circulation

Decided to give mom a foot and leg massage today, and yes, at the dinner table. Massages promote good circulation of your blood, and good circulation promotes healthy digestion, helps nausea, and can lower your blood pressure!

It's really hard to gauge things with mom, sometimes. I know and see that she is having a lot of pain, especially in her lower abdomen (feeling full all the time, organs trying to keep up, etc.)....but I say it's hard to measure "where we are" with everything because of her unwavering, positive attitude and cheerful demeanor. She is one of few people I know who have won the cortical lottery, like a serotonin unicorn. Brain functions and happiness chemicals aside, maintaining a positive outlook does take discipline, training, and effort, especially when you have endured a lot of ups and downs in life.

I'm very proud of her and how she carries herself through this chapter. I love my mother to no end, she is the voice in my head, my role model, and my hero...if I could wave a wand and have my way, there is a lot in this picture I would change. Hope is something we do not give up on here, there is always hope. 

Ringo Lap Time

Mom and Ringo (our wonderful neighbor's labradoodle) are having some cuddle time! Tomorrow, I promise a more official update, but this was too cute not to share...

Support

When mom and Bob looked outside their front door this morning, they saw get well cards from some of the neighbors as well as homemade cards from their kids. Flowers also arrived today from other caring friends. Mom and Bob are so thankful for all of the kind and thoughtful gestures (whether it's cards, flowers, messages, or visits) of our family, friends, and neighbors...they truly value of your support, and it's fuel for motivation and positivity! Our continued thanks, I know first-hand it is making a difference.

Karaoke Night

Mom and Ray are singing a Filipino Classic...warming up as we proceed to butcher songs for the rest of the night.

Staying In From the Cold

With Steph, Ray, and Heidi in town, we decided to cook brunch, then bundle up and watch a movie. After our lazy afternoon we entertained mom with a 'home Pilates competition' seeing who could plank the longest, do handstands, and push up handstands... no pictures of those are up because quite frankly, we are professionals and don't want to advertise our muscles and mad skills.

French Toast Brunch

Sunday brunch is best when you are having bananas foster French toast, flippin good!