Checking In

I'm fine, but I'm not really fine. Trying to think of things I know mom would want me to say, or even really feel. She would want to know that I'm finding a reason to smile everyday, and to know that I'm trying to have a good summer. To be with other family and friends, to make the best of my time here.

The truth is, I'm struggling with the memories of this year...of her last months, weeks, and days. I remember the very last time I saw her, at the funeral home before her cremation. How I stood over her, and placed my fingers on her cold hands, where less than a day before they were warm. I did not want to leave, my feet were planted. I knew the moment I turned away, I would not see and touch my mother ever again. I didn't want to leave her even though she was already gone.

Back in DC, Bob and I talk regularly on the phone. This past week not so much, mainly because I've been on a later shift at work. I notice that Bob has been using mom's Facebook account to try and reach out to family and "peruse" my page ;) Bob, I'll come and teach you how to use it when I'm back in Austin for mom's birthday...a trip where I'm having mixed (admittedly terrified) feelings. I'm glad that Ray and Stephie will be there to hold my hand, laugh, shoot squirrels on the back porch, and get out into town for all the great things the city has to offer. I'm excited to see the Along Creek Cove neighbors again, too.

I still see ghosts when I look up. I see mom taking a nap in the back seat of my car on my way home from work, coming down my stairs asking what's for dinner, at the mall trying on shoes with me, on my friend's boat when we're going fast...holding on to her hat and wearing her sunglasses, and her hand on my shoulder whenever I'm crying like I am right now.

This whole experience has been a huge lesson on the importance of time, and how not to waste it. And not even just time, but negative emotions. Don't waste it on things unimportant, and know that there is always a reason to be happy. Don't worry that you are late for work because of a traffic jam. Don't be too upset that you haven't found your follow-on job yet, and don't even sweat that guy who doesn't have his shit together. All part of the long list of things ain't nobody got time for.

Thanks again, mom. You continue to be my inspiration, and my teacher no matter how much the lessons hurt sometimes. I know it has only been a few months since you left, but my mind and heart have been missing your wisdom. It has altered a standard in my own happiness, I know that I won't be happy if I'm not learning from something, or someone....If it makes you feel any better, I am smiling now. I have plans later in the year, and I know you would be proud.

When things don't go right, go left.