World's Best Nurse

After getting the bed, we've spent the last few days getting a routine down where we can shift and move mom, as needed. I swear some moments she probably wants to curse us out because we are not doing things right or at times making her uncomfortable (takes at least two of us to position her correctly in bed). The usual end state is her being surrounded with soft pillows and rolled towels to support her neck, back, and feet...and of course, mom sound asleep.

There was an emotional breaking point I had personally set for myself which happened yesterday. When mom and Bob were told that chemo therapy could no longer be administered, the nurse practitioner said that over time, mom will become confused and then fall asleep and not wake up (lovely, right?). For a long time, mom and I kind of wondered about this "confusion". Is it just disorientation? Memory loss? Well, yesterday we got a rather large taste of it when mom woke up, lucid, saying she wanted to sit up (which she tried to do on her own) tried to look around, and asked in a soft but worried voice, "When are we going home?" Well, right there I pretty much lost it because she sounded scared and weak, and of course she certainly was home, in her beautiful bedrooom, but the anxiety kicked in and it was difficult to deal with. Granted, mom is on medication for the pain, and I do not doubt this is affectng her state of mind, but it still stings. Mom has been the kind of person who has always had her wits about her, always on point with everything she says. At one point last night while I was supporting her as she tried to stand and even walk, I told her she was safe and at home, and I asked her if she could give me a hug. We stood for a moment as she gently squeezed her tiny arms around me and rested her head on my shoulder. Best feeling. Ever. After we sat her down, I sang to her and we talked to her about past trips and memories and it seemed to calm her down enough for her to have a good night's sleep.

Everything seems to be moving in slow motion, and at the same time going by so fast. It is now Wednesday, exactly one week since mom's condition took a turn. We get a visit from our hospice nurse every day, which today's visit yielded a declining blood pressure reading as well as a weakened pulse and heart rate. Her apnea is also more pronounced, and today she hasn't really taken much in her system except for her meds and a small glass of water. It is difficult to turn away good friends who want to come and visit. To those who are reading this now, please know it does not mean your love and support to my mom and our family are not valued, we are doing our best to respect her wishes during this chapter. She has known and loved all of you in her wonderful way, and would like to be remembered in that same wonderful way you know her. The love and well-wishes you send are not unheard, they are helping to hold us up.

I know there is some irony and cheesiness in this, but I'm really trying to be a good nurse for mom, and so is Bob. She has always been so tender and caring to us, her friends, and her patients. I'm pretty sure I might be able to find an old pair of scrubs lying aound and make it offiicial. I remember when mom and I went to the Philippines to take care of grandma before she passed away. Similar siituation, home/hospice and family care...mom taught me a lot in those weeks until grandma passed away like how to care for someone who couldn't care for themselves, and how to be gentle and yet show strength for our loved ones, and with grace. You are a wonderful teacher, mom...and I'm still learning from you everyday!