One Year

I miss you, mom.

Feels a bit cliche to write or say something like, "I can't believe a year has already gone by since she left...," because the truth is that I have personally felt all 366 days between April 22, 2015 and April 22, 2016. It's not those days of missing her, of wanting to call to hear her voice, to ask her opinion on something, or those days of missing her cheerfulness, smiles, hugs and kisses that I want to talk about. Those days will continue as time pushes forward, and I must accept each one.

Having difficulty finding the right words to say the rest. For some who were not able to attend mom's service in Austin or Miami, below was the first draft of the eulogy I gave. The final product was a printed version with a lot of notes and edits on the margins. Please forgive any errors, I typed it the way I would say it.

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Good morning everyone...family and friends...thank you for being here.

Our family is amazed and honored at the outpour of prayers, well-wishes, and support from all of you here in Austin as well as mom's family and friends abroad who could not be here today.
After reading all the messages that followed the announcement of her passing, there were many words to describe her that echo how I think we all feel when with think of Joy:

Genuine,
Kind,
Intelligent,
Positive,
Strong,
Wise,
and
Beautiful

It's safe to declare that Joy won the cortical lottery when she came into this world, naturally knowing how to see the best in every situation or dilemma; and how to be a light in times where night seems never-ending. At a doctor's appointment Bob and I attended with her in February, she told the doctor that she had *never* been depressed. Ever.

I think this is one of the main reasons why we all gravitate to Joy. She always held a glow that we are drawn to, knowing that a brief encounter, visit, or a phone call with her would leave us with feeling a little better that day.

Joy was born and raised in the Philippines, the eldest of five children. She was devoted to her family and dedicated to her studies and the pursuit of excellence. She held the discipline to balance her responsibilities while making time to develop lasting friendships from elementary school through college. Today, many of those friends spread who are now spread across the globe are all also honoring Joy.

I am a proud niece and daughter of aunts, an uncle, and of course my mother who grew up to pursue successful careers in engineering, business, law and nursing despite the financial challenges the family faced. Mom was always grateful to my grandparents, Poppa and Momma, for working hard so that their children could achieve their dreams. This example my grandparents set was also one that my mother set for me...working very hard to guarantee I had what I needed for my education, teaching me first-hand that things do not come from nothing, and when I apply myself the possibilities of personal achievement are endless.

Joy was not just a wonderful mother to me, but a mother...and mentor...to many. She did things such as taking in young nurses who, like her, emigrated from the Philippines, to start a life here in the United States...many of which were working to support their families at home. She had the special gift of knowing how to really listen to people, and taking the time to understand them. Her thoughtfulness, generosity, and compassion have created a domino effect...she inspires us to be better...to do the right thing with integrity and grace. I am going to miss all the lessons she had yet to teach me.

A short while ago, Bob wrote a letter and read it to Joy. I would like to share a part of it:

"For all of my years here on earth, I have encountered many, many people in social, professional and spiritual settings.  However, no one has had the impact on my life that you have.  When you are here, I know that I am in the presence of one of God’s true gifts.  I will never be able to express how much of a difference you have made in my life and how much better off I will always be because of you.  I will always love you, I miss you."

The night is always darkest before the dawn, and now... the dawn is here...with mom having a very well-deserved front row seat to the sunrise.  Although we may not be able to see her smiling face, feel the warmth of her hugs, or hear her cheerful voice, I know she is still with us.

Mom...thank you for everything. Thank you for the sacrifices you made for us, they were worth it. I am so proud to be your daughter, and I love you. [As you were there to see me when I opened my eyes for the very first time, it was my honor to be there when your eyes closed for the very last] I miss you very much, and I know you will still be here to listen when I need to talk. I know you will always be with me, and I, with you.

Best Friends

In honor of Jean Tears' (aka "Auntie Jean") birthday today...my mother's best friend. 

She departed this life at the end of the summer in 2014, not even a year before mom left, too. I know they are both probably celebrating doing their favorite thing: shopping and eating! I can easily see both of them, as if they were here right now, laughing and talking. 

Auntie Jean was an exceptional person and mother, and very much like a second one to me. My heart is with her family...with (Uncle) Clarence, Jennifer, and Stephanie. Without them, even without Auntie Jean, the journey with mom would have been blind. They all very much helped to bring light in those dark places of the tunnel. Before then, so many wonderful memories! All of the family trips: Mexico ("What temple did we just climb, Chicken Pizza?"), Tennessee, Utah, etc. Not to mention her and mom jet-setting all over Europe. Those two... 

Below is a nice memory of Se, Mom, Jean, Mila, and Tessie (the "donyas") during their last visit to DC. It was nice having a house full of Filipino moms who loved to cook :)

I miss you both everyday.

Moving Off the X

So, I had this whole post drafted, written out, and ready to go; but looking at it over and over again and reading it just didn’t seem like it was right. The thoughts were all over the place, which is how I’ve been feeling lately anyway, so I scrapped it.

I came back to Austin a few days ago to start the process of sorting out all of mom’s clothes, shoes, and accessories. Bob took on the valiant task months ago to sort out their office, bless his heart. I remember times when you couldn’t even find mom in there, buried under all her paperwork. Now I go in and I can actually see the color of the desk! Ha, I can hear her laughing at me as I’m typing this, with a bashful smile, and telling me it wasn’t that bad. Anyway, as far as mom’s other personal items, and with Claudia’s invaluable help, I was able to get through about 87% of her things which was sorted into boxes and bags for the Philippines, family, donations, and my own safekeeping. I’ll have to come back again soon to sort through the rest, but I’m happy to have accomplished my main task which was to give Bob his closet and dresser back.

I can’t say enough how proud I am of Bob. There are things I cannot take for granted and one of those things is him always being a gracious host. I am so thankful that he brought down the Christmas tree, decorations, and lights from the attic. So very thankful that he put lights up around the house, without me even asking, even after he would say he just didn’t want to do it this year. We also decorated the tree, and he was a genuine and wonderful helper, putting the angel on top and tying in all the ribbons the same way that mom would. This weekend was another testimony that when things don’t go right, go left. For Bob, perhaps it’s just as important to keeping moving, no matter what direction, so long as you are off the ‘X’. He continues to be a very important person in my life, and as many lessons I thought my mother taught me, it’s the lessons he’s is teaching me now…in our conversations, and from what I observe…that I am valuing more and more.

My thoughts remain hopeful that even though Christmas and New Year will be the first without our beloved Joy, it will still be a happy one. I have to remember that there is so much to celebrate in this life. Things will never be perfect, the waves will never stop crashing, and we will always be tested, but even with all of that there will always be room for a smile, a hug, and a laugh. I can say now, more than ever, that I embrace the things that have made me happy…I had a great summer, I love coming to work everyday, my family and friends never fail to bring me up, and Gizmo still wags his tail when I come home. 

Mom, I love you, and you are still my only sunshine. I’ll never forget last year's Christmas. Rather hard to believe it was a just barely a year ago. We both prayed we would see another holiday season together, but you and I knew the way of the world and so we silently accepted it and still enjoyed every moment. Such a cherished memory, along with many/many others...

Stay with me.

Our last Christmas together...how I miss that smile.

Abroad

Because she loved to travel, we share a wanderlust heart...

"I cannot rest from travel: I will drink 

Life to the lees: All times I have enjoy'd 

Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those 

That loved me, and alone, on shore

 

For always roaming with a hungry heart 

Much have I seen and known; cities of men 

And manners, climates, councils, governments, 

Myself not least, but honour'd of them all

I am a part of all that I have met; 

Yet all experience is an arch wherethro' 

Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades 

For ever and forever when I move. 

How dull it is to pause, to make an end, 

To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use! 

As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life 

Were all too little, and of one to me 

Little remains: but every hour is saved 

From that eternal silence, something more, 

A bringer of new things; and vile it were 

For some three suns to store and hoard myself, 

And this gray spirit yearning in desire 

To follow knowledge like a sinking star, 

Beyond the utmost bound of human thought. 

...Free hearts, free foreheads—you and I are old; 

Old age hath yet his honour and his toil; 

Death closes all: but something ere the end, 

Some work of noble note, may yet be done

'T is not too late to seek a newer world. 

Push off, and sitting well in order smite 

The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds 

To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths 

Of all the western stars, until I die. 

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho' 

We are not now that strength which in old days 

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are; 

One equal temper of heroic hearts, 

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will 

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

Excerpts from Ulysses by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Checking In

I'm fine, but I'm not really fine. Trying to think of things I know mom would want me to say, or even really feel. She would want to know that I'm finding a reason to smile everyday, and to know that I'm trying to have a good summer. To be with other family and friends, to make the best of my time here.

The truth is, I'm struggling with the memories of this year...of her last months, weeks, and days. I remember the very last time I saw her, at the funeral home before her cremation. How I stood over her, and placed my fingers on her cold hands, where less than a day before they were warm. I did not want to leave, my feet were planted. I knew the moment I turned away, I would not see and touch my mother ever again. I didn't want to leave her even though she was already gone.

Back in DC, Bob and I talk regularly on the phone. This past week not so much, mainly because I've been on a later shift at work. I notice that Bob has been using mom's Facebook account to try and reach out to family and "peruse" my page ;) Bob, I'll come and teach you how to use it when I'm back in Austin for mom's birthday...a trip where I'm having mixed (admittedly terrified) feelings. I'm glad that Ray and Stephie will be there to hold my hand, laugh, shoot squirrels on the back porch, and get out into town for all the great things the city has to offer. I'm excited to see the Along Creek Cove neighbors again, too.

I still see ghosts when I look up. I see mom taking a nap in the back seat of my car on my way home from work, coming down my stairs asking what's for dinner, at the mall trying on shoes with me, on my friend's boat when we're going fast...holding on to her hat and wearing her sunglasses, and her hand on my shoulder whenever I'm crying like I am right now.

This whole experience has been a huge lesson on the importance of time, and how not to waste it. And not even just time, but negative emotions. Don't waste it on things unimportant, and know that there is always a reason to be happy. Don't worry that you are late for work because of a traffic jam. Don't be too upset that you haven't found your follow-on job yet, and don't even sweat that guy who doesn't have his shit together. All part of the long list of things ain't nobody got time for.

Thanks again, mom. You continue to be my inspiration, and my teacher no matter how much the lessons hurt sometimes. I know it has only been a few months since you left, but my mind and heart have been missing your wisdom. It has altered a standard in my own happiness, I know that I won't be happy if I'm not learning from something, or someone....If it makes you feel any better, I am smiling now. I have plans later in the year, and I know you would be proud.

When things don't go right, go left.